You once had a relationship with a special person but things did not work out well. The relationship ended and you both move on. However, there’s just something that you can’t get over with. Something keeps bugging you and you can’t get him/her out of your head. Maybe you are in a new relationship, but there’s something about your ex that troubles you. Do you have the symptoms of couldn’t get over a past relationship?
‘ The first thing that you have to notice is how did it end. What was the reason for the relationship to end and what was your reaction to it. Remember this, the manner you choose in ending your relationship will cling on to your memory like a permanent marker ink on your favorite shirt. You like the shirt, thus you keep wearing them even if you hate the stain. I can list several ways that are not advisable to do in ending a relationship. Professionalcounselling.uk lists some of them:
- Text with the message that the relationship is over
- Leave a message on an answer machine
- Let someone else pass the message on
- Cut of all contact that person without first giving an explanation
- Become antagonistic in the hope that your partner will dump you
- Start an another relationship/affair
- Repeatedly give excuses for your unavailability before ending
- Avoid your partner if you have not made it clear that it is finished
- Avoid conversations with your partner about your relationship
- Finish a relationship in a public place
- End it just before your partner is due to meet other people
- Tell other people of your intention to end it before your partner
‘ If you did any of the ways mentioned above, then there’s a big chance that you wont be able to forget that relationship. This calls for a closure in your past relationship!
‘ A closure means closing your relationship in direct adult conversations, in the least hurtful way, and admitting that you too are hurt by it. This might take more than one conversations with your ex partner. This should be done in a respectful fashion, by stating what you really feel and being honest about what you think about the future. The person that you are breaking up with has the right to deserve your honest opinion. This is why you should always come clear with your intention of breaking up.
‘ Leaving a relationship open ended, without any clarity of what’s happening, and hoping that the other will get the message that the relationship is through is definitely not the best way to do it. I do not agree with people who thinks that time will heal the wounds. No, time does not heal wounds, you can only forget that wound, but the pain will still be there. You have to deal with your own feelings and that person, embracing the fact that you will not be together anymore. This would usually makes you unable to get over the relationship.
‘ My suggestion would be to talk it through again with that person with the signals that you only want to finish what’s left undone and not going to restore the previous relationship. You can always care about that person, but remember that caring is not the same with being in a relationship with him/her. Start the conversation with telling the other about what you feel in the past towards them that made the relationship over. Being honest is the best way in dealing with wounds. You might feel that it is difficult to talk about this in such an honest way, but you feel much better if you too are ready to talk and hear what the other person has to say. Later on, then you can agree that you two need to end the relationship, but that you can still be friends with him/her. At least she/he was the person who knows you well in the past.
‘ Ending a long relationship is always difficult. You always fear that you will hurt the person who has been there for you all this time and think about how to end this relationship with minimum damage. When it ends, both sides will be hurt. Sometimes its even more difficult for the side that gives the closure statement. It hurts because they will always be haunted with the phrase ‘what if’. However, ending one relationship might be needed to build a more fruitful one. This of course has different depth and outcome when it comes to marriage. But we will discuss that some other time.
‘ Thus, if you have not had closure in your previous relationship that makes you feel you can’t get over him/her, then you should close it. You should have a closure. It will helps you close a chapter in your life and starts a new one.